5 losses in 2008

Kind of Ironic.....

Today I got my post M/C period. I was thrilled, because it is only 32 days after I started bleeding after the m/c was confirmed. The last 2 times, it was 6 weeks before I got my period.

But, today was my due date.

Isn't it ironic that I start my period on my due date?

I thought I would be more upset, but I am OK. Still stings but, I am moving forward.

We are adopting....

i just posted a very long post on my other blog. We are adopting, the application will be turned in before the end of the month and we will start the required training on Nov 3rd!

You can check out all the details HERE

Also, this may very well be one of my last posts on this blog.

However, I will continue to make posts on my orignal blog and I also made a new blog just for adoption posts.

The adoption blog is called Punky Powers - right now it is totally blank. But I am sure I will add post real soon

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Oct 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Please light a candle for all lost babies

I hate crying in front of people that I shouldn't

I had my follow-up appointment with my RE (details on orignal blog). And in the waiting room I cried with my nurse. I can't even remember what I said, or what she said, but there I was being handed the box of tissues.

It has been 2 weeks - but it seems like a million years ago, but also feels like yesterday.

Some days I am fine, others it hits me hard.

This pain, I fear, will never ever go away.

More poems

My Mom Is A Survivor...

My Mom is a survivor
Or so I've heard it said

But I can hear her crying at night
When all others are in bed

I watch her lay awake at night
And go to hold her hand

She doesn't know I'm with her
To help her understand

But like the sands on the beach
That never wash away

I watch over my surviving Mom
Who thinks of me each day

She wears a smile for others
A smile of disguise!

But through Heaven's door I see
Tears flowing from her eyes

My Mom tries to cope with death
To keep my memory alive

But anyone who knows her knows
It is her way to survive

As I watch over my surviving Mom
through Heaven's open door
I try to tell her that angels
Protect me forevermore

I know that doesn't help her
Or ease the burden she bears

So if you get a chance go visit her
And show her that you care

For no matter what she says
No matter what she feels
My surviving Mom has a broken heart
That time won't heal

_______________________________

You don't know how I feel;
please don't tell me that you do

There's just one way to know--have you lost a child too?"

You'll have another child"--must I hear this every day?
Can I get another mother, too, if mine should pass away?

Don't say it was "God's will"--that's not the God I know.
Would God, on purpose, break me heart, then watch as my tears flow?"

You have an angel in heaven--a precious child above.
"But tell me, to whom here on earth shall I give this love?"

Aren't you better yet?" Is that what I heard you say?
No! A part of my heart aches and I'll always feel some pain.

You think that silence is kind, but it hurts me even more.
I want to talk about my child who has gone through death's door.

Don't say these things to me, although you do mean well.
They do not take my pain away; I must go through this hell.

I will get better, slow but sure--and it helps to have you near.
But a simple "I'm sorry you lost your child" is all I need to hear.

________________________________

You never said I'm leaving,
You never said good-bye.

You were gone before I knew it,
And only God knew why.

A million times we've needed you,
A million times we've cried.

If love alone could've saved you,
You never would have died.

In life we loved you dearly,
In death we love you still.

In our hearts you hold a place,
No one else wil ever fill.

It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you didn't go alone.

Part of us went with you,
The day God took you home

I thought this fit 100%

I saw this is Walmart - of all places. I had been looking for something for my kitchen wall, and this seems great. The colors match everything in the room.

It was not until I put them up today did I realize how much this was a "perfect" fit for me.

















It is like the left side is how I feel:

I have faith that it will happen (a baby).
I have hope that it will happen (a baby).
I will love a baby with all my heart.

But, the right side is more reality:
I want to believe it will happen.
I dream about it happening.
I imagine it happening.

Right now, a biological baby seems like only a dream. And no matter how much I have faith, have hope, or have love, it is not going to happen.

I don't know if I will ever believe that again.